Taking flack; Falling off track

I have been in hibernation for the past two weeks. It started when I nearly lost my eye to a bacterial ulcer which I was about 24 hours away from being beyond help and getting fitted for a glass eye. So that was a great way to start my “new page” in life.

Here’s the funny part. My doctor told me the bacteria was probably incubating for a week or two and didn’t flare up or start to cause pain (excruciating pain) until the Saturday I made an emergency appointment. Which means I very possibly became infected during the few days in the last week of April that I was living on the streets.

Why is that funny? Well, on Wednesday, April 25th, I had a dream that eyeballs were growing out of my face like spokes. One even grew out of the top of my head on a stalk – it was very bizarre. In my dream, I was desperately trying to dig them out with my bare hands in a mirror. And at one point I realized that I had accidentally taken out my own right eye, but I kept going on in this nightmarish scenario thinking, “Better to be blind in one eye than to be covered with these things!” That was the same eye that got infected, and it is possible it became infected that day. Strange coincidence, right?

Falling off track

Crying Girl by chozoWarrior
Crying Girl by chozoWarrior

The other reason I was in hibernation was the pending event that occurred on May 15th. I can’t really talk about it much here, but lets just put it this way: It was the most devastating day of my life. As of May 15th, all I feel, all I see is darkness. I’m dead inside. This poem was a response to that day…

Like Father, Like Daughter


Taking flack

There are basically two things I can’t stand on this blog: Anonymous commenting/posting, and ignorant smack talk. Well, last week, I received two anonymous comments to my Let The Journey Begin blog post. One was an actual good suggestion – kind of.

“V” wrote:

You should take MB’s name from these blog posts, unless she gave you permission.

Fair enough. I took her last name down. However, I responded with a somewhat lengthy explanation of Adam Smith’s concept of the Teatre of Approval which is worth reading.

Another commented under the anonymous name “p9244” wrote:

I feel sorry for you. In addition, I hope your friend Brianna is out there with her head held high without you. This was a disappointingly sad blog to come across. Especially in this day & age with internet bullying as bad as it is.

This was quite obviously written by someone who didn’t just “come across” this blog – their IP address traced to Des Plaines. This person also obviously didn’t read the blog, because the only mention I made of Brianna was that I asked people to pray for her to heal from the hurt I have unfairly caused her.

I wrote a lovely little response to this individual’s post which I recommend you checking out.

And finally, I received another response to a different blog post, but this one was not anonymously. Melyssa Donaghy identified herself as the “Melanie” referred to in my previous post Surviving the ravings of a mad woman in an attempt to defend her not-at-risk honor it would seem. Rather, all she was really doing was coming here to further abuse me because she recently found out I quit working at Angie’s List and she wouldn’t be receiving a bonus check for recruiting me.

I highly recommend that you check out her comments. In the context of everything I disclose about her in the blog, her comments are very true to nature and only further reinforce her character. Except, the particular timing of this comment takes things to a new level entirely seeing as I had just gone through one of the darkest and hardest times of my life, having attempted twice to kill myself, and was still recovering mentally and emotionally.

It takes a certain kind of cruelty to go out of your way to try and kick someone when they’re down. You can check out her comment and my response here.

What’s next?

Well, after Tuesday’s punch in the gut I haven’t been much use to anyone or anything. I can’t eat. I can’t really stay awake or go to sleep – I’m in a half daze all the time.  I’m pretty much good for nothing, and there seems to be no end in sight. I am experiencing the strangest cocktail of conflicting and painful emotions and I am so overwhelmed and confused that I think my body has just completely short circuited and shut down.

In an attempt to try and jump start my system and move on with my life, I have decided to rent a car and drive to Joplin for the weekend to see my friend Erica Tremblay’s documentary Heartland – The Joplin Tornado Documentary. If I can survive the drive down and back, maybe I’ll be able to see a few old friends and that will lift my spirits.