No One's Listening

I love sharing my goals and aspirations privately, but rarely in public. This one I think I can. I would like to bicycle across the US after I finish college. Of course, which "after college" could mean several things since I plan on going to grad school - twice - and I also want to do Teach For America in there somewhere... So, lets just say that sometime in there after one major milestone and before the next, I want to do the TransAmerican Trail which stretches from Oregon to Virginia.

It is 93 days and covers almost 4,300 miles and is limited to only 14 people. You must be a somewhat advanced cyclist to make it. This year it cost $6,500 (which includes all camping, lodging, food, and a van transporting equipment from camp to camp), and of course I would have to buy a crap load of equipment (and a better bike) to make the trip which could cost me even more... which might also limit when I'd be able to take the trip. Plus, I'd have to "train" for it wouldn't I?

Ooooooh, I want to make this trip so bad! Probably won't happen for a couple of years, but I'm TOTALLY going to do it!

Like most people, I'm very excited to be receiving some of my tax money back. I just wish I could stay excited once I started using my brain. Allow me to explain:

This tax rebate is about as pointless as increasing the credit limit on a maxed out credit card and pretending I got a pay raise. It may allow me to spend more now, but I'm just going to have to pay it back eventually. Since the government isn't decreases spending by $110 billion, myself and every other American with any common sense knows that we're going to have to pay for the government's current spending in taxes sometime in the future - and with interest to boot! How does that make any sense??

I'd rather see the government decrease its spending so it can actually afford a tax rebate. With the example our own government sets, its no wonder credit card debt & personal bankruptcy is almost at an all time high. Is spending beyond your means, whether you're a government or an individual, really helpful to the economy in the long run? Obviously, all this fiscal irresponsibility does is lay the ground work for a looming future economic catastrophe.

Anyone could tell you that easing a little pain today at the expense of a limb or your life tomorrow is about as foolish as it gets, yet somehow some (if not most) of our politicians are willing to pull the wool over our eyes and make us feel like they're doing us a favor in order to keep their political party in favor. I don't buy it for one second, and I have a feeling that enough Americans are rational enough that enough of this stimulus plan won't get spent to do the economy any good.

Business cycles are a natural trade-off for having freedom and free, open-markets. However, the more the government tries to offset one recession, the worse the next one will be. We'd all be better off if we just accepted the fact that because we're not all equally impoverished citizens of the USSR we're going to go through the occasional recession and have temporary rises in unemployment. If Americans were managing their money properly during the good times, and not like the government teaches us, recessions and unemployment wouldn't "hurt" so bad.

In conclusion, this tax rebate plan is simply another example that most of our politicians are either not smart enough or dishonest enough that they are willing to do the exact things that got us into this mess in the first place in order to avoid taking the blame for the said mess. Its time for a change - REAL change. Not a change from one party to the next - who both want to increase the size of government when we already can't afford to pay for the one we have now. So sad... so sad...

For more information on the National Debt visit zFacts, or one of the links I provided above.

Today, I had the pleasure to meet two of my greatest heroes: Eric Nakamura and Martin Wong, founders and writers of Giant Robot magazine. I wish I could explain why I love this magazine so much and the impact that Eric & Martin have had on me and the lens through which I view the world... but words fail me in this instance. Perhaps I'll retouch on this another time.

For over 8 years now I have closely followed the words and cultural samplings of these two guys and their magazine and longed to meet them face to face. Although it wasn't the right setting for a sit down and long chat over drinks about all the burning questions I have for them, this was certainly one of the happiest and most long awaited meetings of my life.

Unfortunately, I forgot to bring my camera with me today (I thought I had it my bag and did not!), but I did remember to bring my favorite clothing item: A G.R. hoodie. I got Eric & Martin to sign it, and I provide the pictures for you now (free of charge!).


(click a picture to view larger image)

Thanks Eric & Martin - you've informed and expanded my world, and saturated my life with fascinating culture while keeping it real and teaching me what "real" actually is. Next time (in another 8 years?), maybe we'll be able to do a conversation and photo.

People always told you
“Be yourself!”
“Just be yourself!”
“You gotta be yourself!”
“To thy own self,
Be true.”

So you tried it,
And you found
You found out
Things about yourself
From those people
Certain things
You never knew.

You’re a nerd,
You’re obnoxious,
You’re annoying, and a dork
You like weird thing,
And your humor
Your “sense” of humor
What sense of humor?
You’re way uncool.

All you did was
All you did
You just relaxed
Just got comfortable
You were yourself
Just yourself, and nothing more
Nothing less
Just you.

Turns out
As it turns out
No one really
No one wants you
Wants you to be
Be yourself
Just yourself
What a crock, what a lie
But you learn
What to do.

So you’re quiet
And reserved
Not too much
But not too little...

Okay,
So when you’re done
Let’s be honest
Can we be honest?
There’s little left
Nothing’s real
Just a microscopic version
Of the real
Of the actual
Of the actual
Real you.

You get along
But no one knows
No one knows you
You know no one
And you’re hidden
In a shroud
Behind a curtain
In a grave.

Now you’re just
Shallow
Nice, but shallow
Not a person
Not a person
Not a person
Not a person
Just a shallow
Shallow, hollow,
Micro, shadow,
Phantom, echo,
Puppet, bimbo...

Just a heel,
Just a heel,
Not a person
Not a person.
Was it worth it?
Could it not be?
Was it really really worth it?
And you ponder
And conclude.

That it was
It was worth it
Then again, that it wasn’t
Cuz’ it’s not worth it
No, not really
But there was nothing
Nothing else
You could do.

You had your choices
You made your choices
You chose no choices
There was nothing
Nothing else
Nothing really
Nothing else
You could do.

Be yourself
But they hate you
Be yourself
But they can’t stand you
Be yourself
But they’ll destroy you
Destroy yourself
Do it, do it,
Make them ask
Make them wonder
Never know
That you’re who.

Now you’re gone
It’s self-inflicted
They’ll never know
Because they’re happy
They’ll never know
And they don’t care
They’ll never know
And you won’t let them
They’ll never know
The real one:
You.

~ by Dave Grohl

Wake up it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know I need to know tonight

Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine

Patience my dear
We could spend a lifetime waiting here
Maybe this time
I hope I get the chance to say goodbye

Sweet and divine
Razor of mine
Sweet and divine
Razor of mine

Day after day
Cutting away
Day after day
But anyway

Wake up it's time
We need to find a better place to hide
Make up your mind
I need to know I need to know tonight

Sweet and divine
Razorblade shine

LISTEN TO THE SONG HERE

How are you sleeping?
I'm not sleeping so well…
I lie in bed,
In the dark,
Exhausted and yet,
Wide awake.

I've done all the things
I was supposed to do:
I did my homework.
I cleaned my room.
I brushed my teeth.
I said my prayers.
I lay in bed
Praying.
Praying for God to put me to sleep.
Praying for God to put my mind at ease.
The answer comes
In the form of silence.
I guess I have to find sleep on my own.

How are you sleeping?
I'm not sleeping at all…
Sometimes my mind
Is full of words.
Words march
In a single file line
Across my brain
Like ants,
Marching with a purpose
Up and down the cracks of the sidewalk.
Sometimes my mind if full of nothing.
Nothing but waves
In a never ending ocean.

Nothing helps.
Reading doesn’t help.
I am either unable to focus
On what I am reading.
Or I concentrate too much.
Sometimes my mind becomes so focused
I wonder how it is possible.
Words leap off the page
Directly into my brain.
I seem to be taking
Every sight in
All at once.

How are you sleeping?
I’m not sleeping too much these days…
I was exhausted earlier.
Yet something is missing.
I lay in bed wondering
What is missing.
I can’t quite put my finger on it.
Something is certainly missing.
What could it be?

Every day I accomplish
As much as I can.
Every night
I lay in bed
Feeling like I accomplished
Nothing.
What is it my mind
Wants me to do?
What is it my body longs for?
Where has that sweet feeling
Of rest
And certainly,
Safety
And comfort,
Hope
And peace…
Gone?

How are you sleeping?
Hopefully better than I…
For your sake,
I hope sweet rest
Finds you
When your head hits the pillow.
I hope you feel
Like you had a good day.
I hope you feel
Like nothing is missing.
I hope you feel
Like sleeping is the right thing to do
When you lie down to do it.
And sleep well.
Undisturbed.

Maybe I am afraid
Of the dreams that will come.
The dreams I don’t remember,
But I wish I did.
Or do I?
I know that whatever is missing
Finds me in my dreams.
It taunts me
Until I wake up,
And then,
It is gone
Leaving me helpless,
But to relive
Another day
Missing
Something.

Something
Is missing.
I can’t say what it is.
Something won’t let me
Sleep like I should.
When will I find it?
When will I sleep?

How are you sleeping?
I’m not doing so well…
Just know
That for your sake
I hope you sleep
Well.

I’ve been in bed
For over three hours.
Or what some might call
An eternity.
I know I’ll sleep eventually.
I hope I will.
And I hope I’ll wake
When the time is right
Rested.
Not plagued with fatigue
From fighting ghosts
In my dreams.

Do you dream?
Do you love your dreams?
Do you sleep when you should?
And wake at the right time?
I hope you do.
I hope you have it all:
Good sleep.
Good dreams.
Good mornings.

Goodnight.

He walked alone
On his path of life
Trudging along, refusing to abate
Not expecting
To meet a beautiful siren
Who forever would alter his fate

He saw her as the sun
Came up in the morning
Casting its rays upon her face and hair
Should he leave his path
To meet this beautiful stranger?
Should he risk it? Should he dare?

Then she noticed him and smiled
Ever so gently
With a smile that melted his heart
So cautiously he approached her
With a curious longing
And his life began to imitate art

“It’s you!” he said
Not really knowing why
“Are you also on a path alone?”
“I was…” she replied
In a voice like a whisper
Hope revealed in her voice’s pure tone

And they noticed their paths
Seemed to wind together
So they walked along in peace
Side by side they walked
And shared their stories
And their loneliness began to decrease

Cautiously he reached out
And took her by the hand
But she didn’t pull back or retreat
Instead she squeezed
His hand back gently
It was a joyful moment of love so sweet

“I feel something
Like our destinies pulling
Us together for a purpose,” he said
“I feel it too
Though our paths are uncertain”
She replied and they both turned bright red

“I have to warn you
I’m afraid of life’s great trials
Are you willing to crash and burn with me?”
She stopped for a moment
Puzzled at the question
But decided this was too good to flee

And caught up in love’s
Sweet intoxication
And the warmth of his strong embrace
“Yes” she replied
With no more hesitation
Then held him close, his chest against her face

And in that embrace
She could feel his heart beating
Faster she heard it thumping with joy
And the joy took her over
In sweet elation
Full of love nothing could destroy

So together they marched
On a single path
Hand in hand, and side by side
Seeing few hard times
On the road ahead of them
Confident through all they could abide

Unexpectedly, the path
Became quite rocky
And she stumbled nearly falling apart
But he picked her up and
With all the strength in him
He carried her with the love in his heart

In his weakness he stumbled
Nearly dropping his love
But he refused to set her down
Though it hurt her at times
He squeezed her tighter
His strength and love never ceased to abound

Finally, he weakened
And began to falter
Facing a rough path of his own
But she kept him going
With hugs and kisses
He kept going because he wasn’t alone

There were times when their path
Became such a struggle
They reached inward trying to make it alone
And each time she did this
It hurt him quite deeply
Each time he did, she began to fear the unknown

Her uncertainties grew
Each time she saw his weakness
And his weaknesses grew when he saw her doubt
And the path ahead of them
Began to darken
Seeds of fear, in her heart, began to sprout

Secretly she began to wander
From their path together
Seeking another path safe with certainties
Missing her, but not knowing
Why he felt it
He stumbled and fell to his knees

In this state she found him
And saw all his flaws
At the same time she saw their path ahead
She was the first to notice
The chasm looming
She was the first to be filled with dread

When finally he saw
The cliff in front of them
He mustered all the courage he had
“We can do this!” he said
Hope filling his voice
“Together we can fly right over the bad!”

He pulled her along
Thinking this was the moment
When her promise to crash and burn
Would be fulfilled and yet
Together they would triumph
And through trial and triumph they would learn

But the doubts in her heart
Were already winning
She had found many paths seeming more secure
Yet a small piece of hope
Allowed her to keep going
And together they reached the edge in a blur

Then he jumped with a leap
To reach the other side
And for a moment he thought he was flying
Until he turned his head
And saw her staying behind
And he realized that instead he was dying

Further down he fell
Her image getting smaller
Then she turned and walked away
He felt betrayed because
She had not kept her promise
The one they both made on that beautiful day

So he crashed and burned
Just as he feared
And he let out a gut wrenching groan
High above him she heard it
Echoing through the canyon
And she realized they are still together
                                                                                            alone.

a song...

My world was black & white
Until I saw your face,
A picture I was quite happy with back then.
Then the colors began to pour in
And the world became so bright
To this day,
I discover
New colors
From you.

I always heard music and songs
Floating through the air
I always felt it coursing through my veins.
But when I heard your voice,
The music suddenly changed.
It gripped me
Made me care,
Now I dance
Uncontrollably.

I used to walk in darkness
Then the light discovered me
And I knew I would never be in darkness again.
Yet, walking in the light
Seems a distant memory
Because the moment
I saw you smile
I flew
Into the sun.

Colors
Creating colors
Creating colors
Creating new life.
Music
Creating music
Creating music
Creating new joys.
Light
Creating light
Creating light
Creating new dreams.


And now I dream
Of spending my life with you.
I can't stop naming
All the things we could do.
I won't stop falling
Completely in love with you.
And I'm sorry,
But that's just who I am.

Sometimes the colors can overwhelm,
And drive me to confusion.
And in weakness, I let the confusion drive me.
Maybe I forgot to keep breathing
Maybe I was breathing too fast
All I know
Is that I
Tumbled down
So dizzy.

After dancing for so long
My strength began to wear
But the sweet bliss of the song drove me on.
I should have seen it coming
This running out of the strength
To keep
Loving you
Like I should
So pure.

When you stare into the sun
Your eyes can burn and darken
Well, I flew into the sun and burned out.
Like a fool I kept on flying,
And dragged you in with me.
Then we
Both burned
Lost our grip
So fast.

Spinning
Creating spinning
Creating spinning
Creating distraction.
Motion
Creating motion
Creating motion
Creating enervation.
Fire
Creating fire
Creating fire
Creating immolation.

Yet still I dream
Of spending my life with you.
I can't stop thinking
Of all the things we should do.
I won't stop falling
Completely in love with you.
And I'm sorry,
But that's just who I am.

When you love someone, you think about them all the time.
When you love someone, you think about ways to make them happy.
When you love someone, you think about ways to make their life easier.

When you love someone, you do them favors all the time.
When you love someone, you give them things.
When you love someone, you do nice things to them.

When you love someone, you give them your attention whenever they want/need it.
When you love someone, you thrive on the attention they give you.
When you love someone, they mean everything...

Your love is the air you breathe, the oxygen in your lungs, heart, and brain.
Your love's affection is the blood pumping through your veins.
Your love's attention is the sunlight on your face.

When your love isn't around, you feel like your suffocating.
When your love isn't loving you, you feel like you're dying.
When your love isn't paying attention to you, you feel like you're in darkness.

When all three things happen at once, you feel like nothing.
Your emotions are numb, and your body has no feeling.
You are in a coma, as if you simply stopped existing.

When someone hurts your love, you want them to suffer.
When you hurt your love, you want them to suffer even more.
And suffer, you do.

When your love hurts you, you suffer a little.
When your love doesn't make it up to you, you suffer a lot.
After suffering a lot - for long enough - you start to hurt your love back without even wanting to.

There is no worse horror then feeling out of control.
There is no worse feeling than knowing you can't fix what you broke.
There is not worse moment than when you have these feelings.

Sometimes I want to cry out in pain.
Sometimes I want to cry out for forgiveness.
Sometimes I want to cry out in loneliness.

One day you are happy.
Then, someone comes into your life and you are happier than before.
Then, they leave your life and you forget what happiness even is.

Can you learn how to get that feeling back?
Has it been stolen, and can only be returned by the one who stole it?
Or did you just place it in that person's hands, and they drifted away?

I have my faults, but... (a)
I have my fatal flaws, but... (b)
I have my demons, but... (c)

a. I am a good & loving person.
b. My good points still make me worth it.
c. There is hope: Someday, I will overcome what brings me down.

I know that you have a hard time forgiving me.
I know that you have a hard time liking me.
I know that you have a hard time being patient for me.

I hope that you realize where you went wrong.
I hope that you realize that you can make it better.
I hope you realize that you can change who you are - and need to.

Every second you weren't hugging me was a painful eternity.
Every second you weren't near me my brain was burning.
Every second you weren't loving me my heart slowly died.

Eternally hopeful - in both of us to become better people - I will be.
Eternally caring and forgiving - you can count on that.
Eternally I will be there if need me - just not the same way as before.

Have faith that I have strength to fix my weaknesses.
Give yours some work and some time.
When you are ready, come to me, reconcile, and lets bury this properly.

Someday, you and I can be ready to stop hurting each other.
I believe that day is destined to be.
But don't put that day off for too long.

Everybody dies sometime.
Most die unexpectedly before their time.
Sometimes, that death is just a death inside.

I find myself sitting here
By the phone
Waiting for it to ring
I don't know who's supposed to call
But I'm still here
Watching and waiting

It’s this overwhelming sense of urgency
That's got me down today
Expecting something to happen
Feeling powerless to make it start

I guess this is what comes
From opening my eyes again
Allowing my feelings to be vulnerable
And starting to like people
And taking interest in the ones
Whom I find too interesting to be

Maybe this will pass
And go away to another place
So that when I close my eyes
I'll stop seeing someone's face

I feel foolish again
Foolish and silly
Ha! Who do I think I am?
What am I thinking?

So here I am
Expecting and hoping
Knowing all is out of my hands
And that thing I want to happen
(If only I knew what it could be!)
Will probably happen to someone else
And probably not to me
For now at least
Still waiting.