A cup of poison

“One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal though … betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope.” ~ Steven Dietz

First, please watch this clip from The Newsroom

Now imagine this. You are in love and happy… Happily in love. Then it all starts to fall apart. You are having trouble getting along. Your lover seems to be spending extra time away from you – almost avoiding you. Then, she forces you to move out – not because she is breaking up with you, she says, but so you can both have your space and your relationship will have a chance to get better. Despite the unpleasant way this goes down, including being given less than ten days to find a new apartment, you still love her. You love her more than anything in the world and you know that you would do anything for her and someday it will all work out.

Then, someone from years ago contacts you. And you find out that the person who means the world to you has been telling lies about you behind your back the entire time you were together. Rather than become angry and lash out at her, you calmly and quietly confront her with this information. You think maybe there is some way she can explain this to you and the truth can come out and you can both get beyond this and move one.

She freaks out on you. She walks away from you and slams the door in your face. And then she does everything in her power to make your life a living hell. You no longer speak to her. You never even see her again after that day. Yet, over the next two and a half months she somehow manages to ruin your life, your career, and turn everything in your life upside down. Everything in your life was going perfect up until that point. Four years of hard work building a life, a career, everything… and she tears it apart in less than a dozen weeks.

All this… from the person who once wrote these words to you…

Sunday, October 23, 2005

i was thinking… i know i told you that sometimes it feels like you are not there for me. that, you devote more time to other people’s problems than mine or ours.  i’m sorry.  now that i’ve given it somemore thought, you are there fore me… more than most of the people i know. you shower me with so much warmth and love (especially when we are around each other) it makes me one of the luckiest girls ever. when i feel down, i usually only focus on the negative.  as much as i try to stay positive, my mind has it’s way of steering back to negative thinking.  i know i bring you down with me and we usually get nothing accomplished.  the next time i’m down, just talk to me about happy and positive things.  sometimes i may not want to compromise and may get annoyed about the positive things.  please be patient with me.  i’m not perfect.  but i promise i’ll try to deal with these situations better.  i love you very much and can’t wait to be in california with you.  i hope you don’t think i am a super negative and depressed person.  lately, i have been at my worse, but i’m not always like this, i promise.  i wouldn’t want to put you through another negative relationship.  🙂  thank you for being patient with me and loving me. it means the world to me…

And that person doesn’t just break your heart. She doesn’t just reject your love. She does everything in her power – almost more than you would have ever imagined was in her power – to ruin your life.

And that is something that you never get over. It is a cup of poison. And as far as I know, there is no antidote.

It was six years and seven months ago. And your life has never been close to as good as it was before she destroyed it. You have still never quite rebuilt. You have still never quite replaced what she took away. In fact, you are beginning to wonder if your life will ever be as good as it once was. Maybe that was it. That was the best it would ever be. And it is all downhill from here.

It was six years and seven months ago. She told you to never speak to her again. And you respected what she asked. You didn’t want to. But you did. Not because you had to. But because it is what she wanted – and you will always give her what she wants. All you want it to speak to her again. To somehow forgive each other and move on. But you can’t. She will never speak to you. And you will never betray her wishes. So the stalemate continues. And nothing ever gets better.

It was six years and seven months ago. And I still feel sick.